the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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