oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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