cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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