You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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