Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
