Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
