my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
it's like iHOP with fire
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
