Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my being single is dangerous.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So squirting runs in the family.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
