You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
two words...techno handjob
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
