I heard we made out
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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