Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
