Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
