I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i've created a new STD.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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