im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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