yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
