hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
