You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
