the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
