so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I skipped work to stalk him.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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