i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
