The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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