You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Boobs are out for the taking
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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