The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize