Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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