I faked an abortion last night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
