I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
