Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All the doctor said was why
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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