I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
