So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
