sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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