Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
