sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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