I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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