Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
