this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
