You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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