yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
