So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
