Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
