he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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