Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
