Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
