remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize