i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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