I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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