true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
