I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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