Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
