I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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