what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pooping to opera.
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