i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
