plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
