I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
