Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
