If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Soap is not a condiment
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize