her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
