dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She's not a foreskin expert like you
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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