I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
