the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
