Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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