There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
