You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Semen is not good for contacts.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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