Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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