i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
