community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize