i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
