The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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