Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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